my dog is being put to sleep today in st. augustine florida, where he has been basking out his glory years in the hot florida sun under my brothers care.
13 years of dog friendship.
my brother says he is just lying on the floor now, ruptured spleen, pissing and shitting himself. says mufasa is in so much pain he can't get a farewell dog kiss.
he holds the phone close to mufasa so i can yell goodbye, because mufasa is nearly deaf.
chocolate lab with a funny run, due to a hip disorder. A good dog to say things too, a good dog for little kids to ride.
he sits on the floor in fear and pain, awaiting the vet with the game ending needle.
i will miss you mufasa. i will tell this blog because you can't hear me anymore.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Sunday, May 11, 2008
I'm BACK!!
shit...it's been a while since i have posted a blog...i really thought i might just give it up. THEN while just sitting around today ignoring the gaggle of friends i invited over for BBQing to surf the interweb (looking for porn)...i was led to the blogspot of jason fetz and jason turner. You may know jason fetz as one of the bloggers on this here page...actually he's pretty much the ONLY blogger anymore.
BUT getting back to my story..."the jason's" blog is the stupidest, most idiotic, childish thing i have ever read.....and i laughed so hard i still have snot running down my face. If you are prone to giggling at fart jokes and humor at the expense of others...than go and check out Philidiots....they are in our "hall of shame" over there to the right....
okay here's some other things i am pondering:
-for some reason there has been a lot of talk about butts and salad tossing amongst my friends...why is this??
-i have a secret stash of chocolate chip cookies from 4th street deli in the drawer of the table beside my bed....most girls have vibrators...i have cookies, is that weird?
-somehow i have managed to become every guy i know's "bro"...and while i certainly enjoy the shit talking and trust of my guy friends, giving advice, and having boys to give ME blunt advice on other boys ...i have to wonder what the fuck? am a not also a babe? ....
BUT getting back to my story..."the jason's" blog is the stupidest, most idiotic, childish thing i have ever read.....and i laughed so hard i still have snot running down my face. If you are prone to giggling at fart jokes and humor at the expense of others...than go and check out Philidiots....they are in our "hall of shame" over there to the right....
okay here's some other things i am pondering:
-for some reason there has been a lot of talk about butts and salad tossing amongst my friends...why is this??
-i have a secret stash of chocolate chip cookies from 4th street deli in the drawer of the table beside my bed....most girls have vibrators...i have cookies, is that weird?
-somehow i have managed to become every guy i know's "bro"...and while i certainly enjoy the shit talking and trust of my guy friends, giving advice, and having boys to give ME blunt advice on other boys ...i have to wonder what the fuck? am a not also a babe? ....
Friday, April 25, 2008
BIG NEW IDEAS
I think deep down I really love mr big.
IDEA 1: Midget Amusement Park
at our production meeting the subject of people being two short to get on rides at an amusement park (midgets) came up.
I thought that there should be an amusement park specifically for little people. Big people would be too big to ride the miniature amusement park rides, and little people would finally be vindicated for centuries of prejudice. This is a subject close to my heart, because much like an amusement ride, women will not let me on them due to my height.
IDEA 2: Placenta Porn
After the popularity of something like 2 girls one cup, I thought the next big thing is going to be placenta porn. This is where a woman gives birth, and then once the placenta comes out, a bunch of deviant lesbians start doing weird shit with it. I would go into detail about what that weird shit would be, but I would make myself throw up.
One of these should definitely make me famous.....
IDEA 1: Midget Amusement Park
at our production meeting the subject of people being two short to get on rides at an amusement park (midgets) came up.
I thought that there should be an amusement park specifically for little people. Big people would be too big to ride the miniature amusement park rides, and little people would finally be vindicated for centuries of prejudice. This is a subject close to my heart, because much like an amusement ride, women will not let me on them due to my height.
IDEA 2: Placenta Porn
After the popularity of something like 2 girls one cup, I thought the next big thing is going to be placenta porn. This is where a woman gives birth, and then once the placenta comes out, a bunch of deviant lesbians start doing weird shit with it. I would go into detail about what that weird shit would be, but I would make myself throw up.
One of these should definitely make me famous.....
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
I am no Pierce Brosnan
Look at me, all sex in the city. BLOG BLOG BLOGGING!I was at a bar, like I will be today, yesterday, and tomorrow. I looked across the bar at a lady who was so attractive I felt like she rejected me based on her good looks alone, before even getting a chance to sway over and nervously stutter and stammer towards imminent denial.
I went home and watched this movie The Matador. All I can think of the whole time is that I think we all kind of believe we can be a Pierce Brosnan type leading man (if you are a woman substitute Anne Hathaway just because shes the hottest person I can think of right now). That when we give that look of wanton desire (across a bar for example), a woman would be unable to do anything but respond in kind. The fact of the matter is I am nowhere near that attractive, so when I ogle a woman, it is not the eye of a dashing rogue sex symbol, but rather the stink eye of an ogre (relatively). It's weird to accept that you are not in the league of all of these beautiful people that you are taught to believe should represent your ideal romance. I am not Pierce Brosnan, and you are most likely not my Anne Hathaway.
SO, you just accept the mediocrity, and wait for the next debacle of an unfulfilling relationship, because you are always wanting some other fantasy that just isn't for you.
I love that I can see the positives in things.
Monday, April 14, 2008
Welcome to South Philly: Here is your AXE
Moving into the oasis that has some how been granted to me by a god I never believed in before now.
Went to the cvs nex to the dunkin doughnuts where the indian man (all D&D employess are indian with a last name of PATIL) already knows my sausage loving weed eyes by name. Went to the pube trimmers aisle to get a pube trimmer, lest they should billow out from my diapers, which I will be wearing in the pool* as a make-shift swim suit. There were 2 south philly gentlemen, blobby, loud, assholish, who were huddled together near the whores bath sprays, while i perused the limited selection of wiener grooming items. There was a PSH! PSH! PHS! sound, and a gust of doushe before the fat men ran away, the one more blobular and shitty looking saying "you better pay for that!". This was some kind of South Philly joke, because he also reeked of the axe spray bottle that now rolled sad and lonely on the floor. They had come to cvs with the well hatched plan of spraying eachother with axe, before taking to the streets to bone all those hot ladies who formerly did not like them, but who would now very much like to be introduced to their penis spit.
Heres to you south philly! and your fine gentlemen.
*SEE: god given apt
Went to the cvs nex to the dunkin doughnuts where the indian man (all D&D employess are indian with a last name of PATIL) already knows my sausage loving weed eyes by name. Went to the pube trimmers aisle to get a pube trimmer, lest they should billow out from my diapers, which I will be wearing in the pool* as a make-shift swim suit. There were 2 south philly gentlemen, blobby, loud, assholish, who were huddled together near the whores bath sprays, while i perused the limited selection of wiener grooming items. There was a PSH! PSH! PHS! sound, and a gust of doushe before the fat men ran away, the one more blobular and shitty looking saying "you better pay for that!". This was some kind of South Philly joke, because he also reeked of the axe spray bottle that now rolled sad and lonely on the floor. They had come to cvs with the well hatched plan of spraying eachother with axe, before taking to the streets to bone all those hot ladies who formerly did not like them, but who would now very much like to be introduced to their penis spit.
Heres to you south philly! and your fine gentlemen.
*SEE: god given apt
Monday, April 7, 2008
COCKLOCKER
Here is my question.If womens and mens locker rooms are separated based on the element of sexual attraction, then shouldn't gay and straight gym be separated from one another based on the same premise?
OR: we allow the old gay man at the 12th st gym to stand right next to my head while I tie my shoes, letting his towel down to reveal his flacid old-man-sack...
AND: I get to go to the ladies locker, and stand next to girls heads while they tie their shoes, letting my towel fall down to reveal my flaccid old-man-sack.
So this is what I am going to propose at 12th st today, that
either: we separate the locker rooms based on sexual preference/orientation
or: I get to run naked and free through the womens locker room, like the great wildebeasts of the serengeti.
I hope the 12th st gym has the old-man-sacks to do whats right.
Sunday, April 6, 2008
in case you've been wondering...
the streak is over....and i somehow managed to avoid the whole "bad things happen in three's" superstition....hallelujah !!!
Your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you
She tied you
To a kitchen chair
She broke your throne, and she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah
Incidentally....speaking of hallelujah..and kissable babes.....
Friday, April 4, 2008
"remember?"
I've seen this phenomenon happen before in my life. It's probably a pretty common occurence in your life too. You know,.. when someone (probably one of your close friends) has a saying or an amusing "thing" they do...and because you like/admire/love this person somehow it gets tucked away in your subconscious mind. Then one day you are casually talking to someone else and you bust it out as naturally as if you were breathing it out...and for a minute you get thrown off because the sound of it coming out of YOUR mouth feels surreal and even a little embarrassing? But you can't help yourself!!....and then somehow you own a piece of it too....now it's a fun game between you and the originator of the saying...who, lets be honest here, probably got it from someone else too. Now others are picking it up..and before you know it everyone around you including you is addicted to this one fucking catchy saying that seems to have taken over your life even worse than the time you couldn't stop repeating "well i would walk 500 hundred miles and i would walk 500 hundred more, just to be the man who walked a thousand miles to fall down at your door...da..da.dada..da.da.dada..dadadun dadadun dadadun dadadadada" OVER AND OVER in your head for a week!!! sooo.....anyway....Remember that time I went crazy over that thing lila used to say all the time...that me and sean can't stop saying now either?
Football & the Elevator
The elevator arrives at my office floor (7), there is a well-built dressed black man who peers curiously into my world as I step on.
"magazine?"
"no, broadcast graphics"
"oh alright, I used to play pro football for jacksonville so I know all about magazines"
Of course, at this point I want to say "who are you? where did you play?" but he talks fast and tells me how he now owns a construction company with Freddie Mitchell (eagles) in Philadelphia, and goes to the building where my office is to get physical therapy.
"football is a lifetime of physical therapy" he groans, pulling his sleeve up over his arm to show me his gnarled hands, as we continue to walk outside. One hand has 4 fingers, and definitely twisted in ways it shouldn't be. He lifts his shirt and shows me the brace he wears around his midsection. I ask him what he played, "outside Linebacker".
Its interesting to see this man now, after the lights of notoriety have all gone out, getting physical therapy for the rest of his life, ran like a greyhound for his good years. Although, some might say the money is worth the pain. Next time I will remember to ask him.
"magazine?"
"no, broadcast graphics"
"oh alright, I used to play pro football for jacksonville so I know all about magazines"
Of course, at this point I want to say "who are you? where did you play?" but he talks fast and tells me how he now owns a construction company with Freddie Mitchell (eagles) in Philadelphia, and goes to the building where my office is to get physical therapy.
"football is a lifetime of physical therapy" he groans, pulling his sleeve up over his arm to show me his gnarled hands, as we continue to walk outside. One hand has 4 fingers, and definitely twisted in ways it shouldn't be. He lifts his shirt and shows me the brace he wears around his midsection. I ask him what he played, "outside Linebacker".
Its interesting to see this man now, after the lights of notoriety have all gone out, getting physical therapy for the rest of his life, ran like a greyhound for his good years. Although, some might say the money is worth the pain. Next time I will remember to ask him.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
A Usual Night
Sometimes people say, "you were out all night?.. again?" and to respond I offer this glimpse of the usual night out.
Evening after work- 5:30p
Upon my friend Jeremy's (gay) recommendation, I go to get my hair cut at a place called american male. A cheap junior stylist named Daphne gives me a beer and puts my hands into hot wax, massaged my face until it gave me a boner, and finally cut my hair to look like a woman. I should mentioned I was stoned.
6:30 p
Go Home, get even more stoned; to deal with the environment of decay, see a commercial I had been busting my ass over the week before, already on the tv and looking good. It is a strange feeling to see your work on a place like television, I always wish I would have made it just that little bit better. Never enough time.
7:30p
Take my laundry to the place that lost it for a few days last time I was there, decide to do it myself to the objection of the lady that can barely speak english. Can't sit still watching machines vibrate, don't want to go back home, look for a place to grab a beer. Pop into a bunch of chinese places offering beer on their signs, none has a bar, they look at me with a sad understanding, "oh your one of those".
8p
Contemplating the hard rock cafe, "will this be a funny-story-worthy experience? or something I will call myself an idiot for when I am sitting there next to some asshole from Dallas here on business, looking for a good place to get a hoagie". Decide against it and aimlessly wander. I pass a man awkwardly struggling with a giant canvas military bag, making him look like a torso with a giant green hotdog for a head. He also has two suitcases he carries at the same time. I am stoned and go over to offer him a hand. This is stupid and once he looks at me in the eyes I immediately regret my decision, and try to map out the best escape route. "here" he says, "try this" handing me one of the black plastic cases. I can barely get it off the ground. "yah" he gloats, "thems my tools". Now I am kind of scared by this man with suitcases full of tools, and realize I need to stop smoking weed again. "alright, Thanks anyways!!" I nonsensically exclaim as I speed away from the tool man. "oh great!" I hear him say as I walk-jog away "now the fuckin case won't close!"
8:30p
Go back to the laundromat and literally get aroused by the smell of fabric softener. Where does that come from? There is a weird butchy looking lesbian, or homeless lady (not sure) asleep under the soap machine. I try not to wake her as me and my erection dump clothes in the dryer.
8:45p
Back outside, killing time, pass the chinese restaurant with live frogs in the window, see those animals slowly dying in a quarter-filled-with-water glass box. I see myself like that frog in the box, finally finding a place to get a drink that I feel like I physically need as my clothes dry. Looking out the window at the people with the freedom to just walk on by... from outside the glass.
*and then i went out for real, and forgot too much to even bother writing it down.
Evening after work- 5:30p
Upon my friend Jeremy's (gay) recommendation, I go to get my hair cut at a place called american male. A cheap junior stylist named Daphne gives me a beer and puts my hands into hot wax, massaged my face until it gave me a boner, and finally cut my hair to look like a woman. I should mentioned I was stoned.
6:30 p
Go Home, get even more stoned; to deal with the environment of decay, see a commercial I had been busting my ass over the week before, already on the tv and looking good. It is a strange feeling to see your work on a place like television, I always wish I would have made it just that little bit better. Never enough time.
7:30p
Take my laundry to the place that lost it for a few days last time I was there, decide to do it myself to the objection of the lady that can barely speak english. Can't sit still watching machines vibrate, don't want to go back home, look for a place to grab a beer. Pop into a bunch of chinese places offering beer on their signs, none has a bar, they look at me with a sad understanding, "oh your one of those".
8p
Contemplating the hard rock cafe, "will this be a funny-story-worthy experience? or something I will call myself an idiot for when I am sitting there next to some asshole from Dallas here on business, looking for a good place to get a hoagie". Decide against it and aimlessly wander. I pass a man awkwardly struggling with a giant canvas military bag, making him look like a torso with a giant green hotdog for a head. He also has two suitcases he carries at the same time. I am stoned and go over to offer him a hand. This is stupid and once he looks at me in the eyes I immediately regret my decision, and try to map out the best escape route. "here" he says, "try this" handing me one of the black plastic cases. I can barely get it off the ground. "yah" he gloats, "thems my tools". Now I am kind of scared by this man with suitcases full of tools, and realize I need to stop smoking weed again. "alright, Thanks anyways!!" I nonsensically exclaim as I speed away from the tool man. "oh great!" I hear him say as I walk-jog away "now the fuckin case won't close!"
8:30p
Go back to the laundromat and literally get aroused by the smell of fabric softener. Where does that come from? There is a weird butchy looking lesbian, or homeless lady (not sure) asleep under the soap machine. I try not to wake her as me and my erection dump clothes in the dryer.
8:45p
Back outside, killing time, pass the chinese restaurant with live frogs in the window, see those animals slowly dying in a quarter-filled-with-water glass box. I see myself like that frog in the box, finally finding a place to get a drink that I feel like I physically need as my clothes dry. Looking out the window at the people with the freedom to just walk on by... from outside the glass.
*and then i went out for real, and forgot too much to even bother writing it down.
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Friday, March 28, 2008
TGIF!!!
I feel like this again today...
I am buzzing on some coffee and glad to end a really shitty week at work. I am in need of some outdoor time looking forward to some of this stuff again soon
and i am buying a new bike 1st thing tomorrow morn and Lila and I are riding all over town..so i guess i sorta feel like THIS too (below)
This is my mental vision of us so wave when we ride by!!!!
I am buzzing on some coffee and glad to end a really shitty week at work. I am in need of some outdoor time looking forward to some of this stuff again soon
and i am buying a new bike 1st thing tomorrow morn and Lila and I are riding all over town..so i guess i sorta feel like THIS too (below)
This is my mental vision of us so wave when we ride by!!!!
Thursday, March 27, 2008
i'm on a streak...
Of BAD kissers....The first one happened a few weeks ago..and very randomly, truth be told i initiated it and i damn well ended it too. I guess i have been lucky in the year or so leading up to this...i didn't have much to complain about. There were a few i wished would do a little more of this..or a little less of that, but for the most part it was totes. Then i made the decision to kiss BK #1....it was much like a kiss i got in my teen years when everyone was still figuring it all out....i like to describe it like this: boy opens mouth wide, boy locks mouth in open position...boy thrashes tongue around with wild abandon. It was painful..and all i thought in those very brief few moments when i was trying to maneuver my way out of it was "shit, anyone who is looking will think I am a bad kisser!!" (and yes, it was in a public place...cause i am a classy lady) BK#2 wasn't so easy to get away from...and his kissing style is what i am officially referring to as "the worst kiss ever". I just want to know how a man GETS to a certain age kissing like a rabid dog and NOONE stops it!!! It should be some sort of crime...there should be consequences for this type of torture. Are you with me here??
Anyway, some kind friend of mine pointed out that bad things usually come in three's...soo i guess there is one more dud in store for me....are you him? well just be warned that THIS time i am not sparing any feelings...i will turn and run immediately.
p.s. thanks for all the GOOD kisses i got this year...you know who you are *wink*
Friday, March 21, 2008
I'm Interested...part 2
Dang...how did easter get here so fast...i just took down my christmas tree!! 
rat slippers...to scare my cats
Carly's Summer Fun List...#4 Airplane Pool
Where'd Maureen go??
Thursday, March 20, 2008
maow
Oh hey idiots, this is me as an actual 12 year old. pay attention dentists who ask me if i have all of my adult teeth, bouncers who refuse my real life id, boys who refer to me as the 12 yr old shannon takes care of, and 24/7 employees who ask if shannon is my mother.
also dear white people who see all other races as a sea of indistinct faces. i do not look like shitty tila tequila.
also dear white people who see all other races as a sea of indistinct faces. i do not look like shitty tila tequila.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Deep Thoughts on Karaoke
Look, first of all I am deathly afraid of singing karaoke…as a matter of fact I am scared silly of any event in which I am the focal point of a room full of people who expect to be entertained on queue. I frequently tell people I have a fear of microphones….the truth is I have a fear of what my voice sounds like coming OUT of a microphone. I envy ANYONE who has the nerve to get up and attempt it, and I am more than happy to sit in my comfy spot in the audience and scream the lyrics along with you. THAT being said… here’s a few obnoxious critiques:
#1 - nobody should ever…EVER take karaoke seriously. It’s unbearably uncomfortable for the rest of us to sit through your heartfelt rendition of “My Heart Will Go On”.
Live the dream on your own time lady.
#2 - you should be banned from karaoke if you actually CAN sing. It’s Boooring…and trust me, there are no big time record execs in the crowd waiting to pluck you from obscurity...just us drunks.
#2A - If you CAN sing and you INSIST on coming out to karaoke with the rest of us,… You should probably do something funny or entertaining to endear yourself to the crowd. Hit some sour notes,.. wear a chicken costume,.. dance a jig,.., show us your fat rolls,… do puppetry of the penis???
#3 – Maybe pick a song that you already know most of the lyrics to, huh?? Cause the only thing more boring than some one who can sing the song in perfect pitch word for word, is the chump who has NO idea what the fuck he is singing and just stares at the monitor. …or at least get creative and make up your own fun lyrics to make me laugh
Also...happy birthday to Pomp..who was the reason we all went out to sing karaoke in the first place. What a handsome stud....
#1 - nobody should ever…EVER take karaoke seriously. It’s unbearably uncomfortable for the rest of us to sit through your heartfelt rendition of “My Heart Will Go On”.
Live the dream on your own time lady.
#2 - you should be banned from karaoke if you actually CAN sing. It’s Boooring…and trust me, there are no big time record execs in the crowd waiting to pluck you from obscurity...just us drunks.
#2A - If you CAN sing and you INSIST on coming out to karaoke with the rest of us,… You should probably do something funny or entertaining to endear yourself to the crowd. Hit some sour notes,.. wear a chicken costume,.. dance a jig,.., show us your fat rolls,… do puppetry of the penis???
#3 – Maybe pick a song that you already know most of the lyrics to, huh?? Cause the only thing more boring than some one who can sing the song in perfect pitch word for word, is the chump who has NO idea what the fuck he is singing and just stares at the monitor. …or at least get creative and make up your own fun lyrics to make me laugh
Also...happy birthday to Pomp..who was the reason we all went out to sing karaoke in the first place. What a handsome stud....
Monday, March 17, 2008
The Chinamen Took My Fucking Laundry
So, I dropped off my laundry at the chinatown laundromat on race st .... and that is the last I saw of that beautiful bitch.
I would have made it a more special occasion if I knew that I would be departing with all my clothes forever. "the things we have seen together" I would have wistfully sighed, stroking the denim of that one pair of trusty jeans that somehow doesn't have a gigantic hole in the inner thigh area.
My hoody would have looked at me over the candle light, as we shared a farewell toast of the finest Yellowtail™ Philadelphia has to offer.
Even socks, the stripeys I had grown so fond of, that made my pants want to crawl up my calf to give the world a good look.
"goodbye my mishandled apparels, I wont forget you!"
and goddamn those women at the laundromat. If they understood english at all I would have firmly scolded them, saying "THAT IS VERY IRRESPONSIBLE TO JUST HAND A HUGE SACK OF ALL THE CLOTHES THAT I OWN TO SOMEONE, JUST BECAUSE YOU CANT SEE THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN 2 CAUCASIONS! I HATE SHOPPING FOR CLOTHES! FUCK ME!"
Instead I bowed my head in defeatist misery and returned to the gay green St. patricks day-night. Wishing I could show my contrived enthusiasm for holiday that would better be known as "assholes playground day", in the green hoody that would definitely save me from an angry drunk irish beating; that now awkwardly clothes some other body.
I hate you st patty.
I would have made it a more special occasion if I knew that I would be departing with all my clothes forever. "the things we have seen together" I would have wistfully sighed, stroking the denim of that one pair of trusty jeans that somehow doesn't have a gigantic hole in the inner thigh area.
My hoody would have looked at me over the candle light, as we shared a farewell toast of the finest Yellowtail™ Philadelphia has to offer.
Even socks, the stripeys I had grown so fond of, that made my pants want to crawl up my calf to give the world a good look.
"goodbye my mishandled apparels, I wont forget you!"
and goddamn those women at the laundromat. If they understood english at all I would have firmly scolded them, saying "THAT IS VERY IRRESPONSIBLE TO JUST HAND A HUGE SACK OF ALL THE CLOTHES THAT I OWN TO SOMEONE, JUST BECAUSE YOU CANT SEE THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN 2 CAUCASIONS! I HATE SHOPPING FOR CLOTHES! FUCK ME!"
Instead I bowed my head in defeatist misery and returned to the gay green St. patricks day-night. Wishing I could show my contrived enthusiasm for holiday that would better be known as "assholes playground day", in the green hoody that would definitely save me from an angry drunk irish beating; that now awkwardly clothes some other body.
I hate you st patty.
I'm the MOTHER flippin......
ummm....this is the funniest show ever...and lila and i are convinced it's the male version(s) of us. I'm the hot one and she is the big tall one (OBVIOUSLY)
Anyway, we spent the better part of the weekend perfecting the art of lazing about in my bed watching Flight of the Conchords and various other movies which we rent from that amazing Kiosk thingy they installed at the Wawa...(don't get all excited we NetFlixed the flight of the conchords dvd) Anyway...i have to say that i am really psyched to be getting movies from the same place i get my Ben and Jerry's...plus there's no snobby video store clerk to judge me on one of those days when i just feel like watching "Must Love Dogs" or something similarly brainless. $1.59...gets you a night...yippee
Also, today at the 24/7...formerly the Wawa...the female clerk who works there asked Lila if i was her MOTHER... I mean it's not bad enough that EVERY single guy friend i have makes a point of asking about her like i'm her fucking PR person, or telling me how cute they think she is, or flirting with her through me....but now..THIS. Oh, and when i got home there was a jury duty summons in the mailbox...
I'm going to tell them i can't possibly take off work because i am the single mother of TWO.
Anyway, we spent the better part of the weekend perfecting the art of lazing about in my bed watching Flight of the Conchords and various other movies which we rent from that amazing Kiosk thingy they installed at the Wawa...(don't get all excited we NetFlixed the flight of the conchords dvd) Anyway...i have to say that i am really psyched to be getting movies from the same place i get my Ben and Jerry's...plus there's no snobby video store clerk to judge me on one of those days when i just feel like watching "Must Love Dogs" or something similarly brainless. $1.59...gets you a night...yippee
Also, today at the 24/7...formerly the Wawa...the female clerk who works there asked Lila if i was her MOTHER... I mean it's not bad enough that EVERY single guy friend i have makes a point of asking about her like i'm her fucking PR person, or telling me how cute they think she is, or flirting with her through me....but now..THIS. Oh, and when i got home there was a jury duty summons in the mailbox...
I'm going to tell them i can't possibly take off work because i am the single mother of TWO.
Friday, March 14, 2008
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
whenever dan decides to sleep on the couch after playing video games instead of in our bed i dream about cheating on him and dating other dudes. which is awesome. last night i dreamt that i was dating mark ronson who was coming to visit, also our warehouse space was huge and alex was a glass blower. but anyway his sister sent him a unicorn cake and i threw it out because it smelled weird and he got mad at me because he thought i was trying to lead the paparazzi to my house. i so wasn't.
anyway it got really sexy and then my alarm went off.
who would you pick
or
obvi this is the swede in his younger shinier hair days.
or
or
anyway it got really sexy and then my alarm went off.
who would you pick
or
obvi this is the swede in his younger shinier hair days.
or
or
Saturday, March 8, 2008
weather related depression..
i have it......there's no shame in admitting it. all i want to do these days is complain, sleep, eat doritos and chocolate (not together..ewww), and complain some more about this "mysterious" layer of fat on my belly that seemed to come out of nowhere?? hmmm
My room, scratch that....my whole house is a mess. The back seat of my car is littered with the ghost of breakfasts past, 33 and half cd's without cases, numerous used tissues, wrappers, bags and probably the keys i lost 2 weeks ago. i am grumpy...short tempered and tired....but most of all...LAZY. Feeling sorry for myself has become my favorite pasttime.
I blame all of this on the weather. Right now, oustide, it looks like the end of the world. I need some sunshine, as a matter of fact i need a lot of things, here's a short list:
a new bike
trips to the beach
barbeque's
a good makeout
a road trip
a sincere compliment
roller coaster rides
sunny days
open windows
some extra $$ wouldn't hurt either...i'm just sayin
Friday, March 7, 2008
If Elmo had teeth....
So, last night, as is the usual on thursday nights...i babysat Lo's little brother Sammy. Much to my dismay...at ohhh...sayy ..about 5 in the morning the dear child was awake and not so much into hearing my pleas for more "nite,nite". I, however was NOT ready for the world yet and did what ANY lazy shit of a parent/babysitter would do and grabbed the computer to find some cartoons so i could squeeze out a few more minutes of snoozing. Please note: I am, in fact, a professional lazy person and have learned a few tricks over the years about distracting toddlers ...i know what i'm doing and i went straight for the big guns. ELMO....
About three video clips into it...fading in and out of sleep..i opened my eyes and caught a glimpse of a video called "if elmo had teeth"...which instantly sent me into a fit of giggles. i don't know? maybe it's because i am inherently immature and have the sense of humor of a 5th grader? OR maybe it just really IS funny to see elmo with a set of teeth regardless of whether or not you still think fart jokes are hilarious...In any case, it set the tone for my day...the title of this blog is a link, click on it and then click on elmo. the clip is the third one down
About three video clips into it...fading in and out of sleep..i opened my eyes and caught a glimpse of a video called "if elmo had teeth"...which instantly sent me into a fit of giggles. i don't know? maybe it's because i am inherently immature and have the sense of humor of a 5th grader? OR maybe it just really IS funny to see elmo with a set of teeth regardless of whether or not you still think fart jokes are hilarious...In any case, it set the tone for my day...the title of this blog is a link, click on it and then click on elmo. the clip is the third one down
Thursday, March 6, 2008
pig fucking
sometimes,
when I wake up early to the sounds of boning- BANG against my head- through the paper thin walls in my bedroom, I like to imagine there is a pig pen next door, and two feisty pigs are hastily grunting penis pig parts into pig vagina parts.
This makes me smile to myself-
through my one half-open-eye, at the stitching of the blanket. Until, of course, until my fun little train of thought runs its course, and,
I look back at myself from the camera on the ceiling (sigh)
when I wake up early to the sounds of boning- BANG against my head- through the paper thin walls in my bedroom, I like to imagine there is a pig pen next door, and two feisty pigs are hastily grunting penis pig parts into pig vagina parts.
This makes me smile to myself-
through my one half-open-eye, at the stitching of the blanket. Until, of course, until my fun little train of thought runs its course, and,
I look back at myself from the camera on the ceiling (sigh)
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
halfsies fetish and rival roommates
when i first moved in with shannon i was a little suspicious, because as i was stepping my coffee w/cream+yellow skin through the door, a coffee w/ a little less cream +yellow skin was exiting. shannon has a halfsies fetish. its very sick and i am very sad that i have fallen prey. she also likes to pit her halfsies against one another so they become jealous and enraged like battered pitbulls and they are always kept separate so as to feed their jealous flames and mystery about the other. i am scared of maureen cambridge. she is much taller than me
and i get nervous around her and maybe also fidgety. when shannon tells stories of their blissful life together i wonder if i am doing anough to keep our domestic life safe and happy? did maureen do better? maureen puts lots of pictures of shannon on her mspace and i think this is also to make me jealous and look like less of a good lesber partner.
it apparently doesn't matter what sort of halfsie you are, because shannon is desperate but she definitely seems to lean to asians, maybe because our baginas are sideways and it makes for better scissoring.
and i get nervous around her and maybe also fidgety. when shannon tells stories of their blissful life together i wonder if i am doing anough to keep our domestic life safe and happy? did maureen do better? maureen puts lots of pictures of shannon on her mspace and i think this is also to make me jealous and look like less of a good lesber partner.
it apparently doesn't matter what sort of halfsie you are, because shannon is desperate but she definitely seems to lean to asians, maybe because our baginas are sideways and it makes for better scissoring.
Umbrella guy is an ALF
I am pretty sure that the old black man who sits at the umbrella stand (working?) in front of little Petes Diner, is an ALF (alien-life-form) collecting information from humanoids.
He smiles and stares directly into my eyes when I pass. He smiles wide and wrinkled, and has stars engraved to his gold fronts. I imagine those stars glow warm and bright when his ship is nearing planet earth.
He always wearing the same exact outfit. Day in, day out, rain or shine, hot or cold, and consists of:
Black trenchcoat
Black brimmed hat
Ear muffs
Red scarf
Black pants
Dress shoes
I always expect him to smell like shit, but I never really notice any scent when we cross paths. Perhaps it is because Alien excrement doesn’t smell like what I know to be shit.
He sits on his milkcrate, head burrowed into his jacket, usually listening to some kind of gospel music on the radio. He watches everyone that passes (gathering information), and if you smile at him, he will say “ I love you” or “have a blessed day”. I assess that he has learned his English from the Gospel radio he listens to, and returns to his ship nightly to report on the workings of the city.
I saw him late after work one night, alone at the counter top of Little Petes, happily licking an ice cream cone. Another night, he was bellowing at a homeless woman on walnut street in a language I didn’t understand. Usually he is just sitting, and sitting, and sitting.
I assume he is an ALF, because if he were actually human; that would just be too weird.
He smiles and stares directly into my eyes when I pass. He smiles wide and wrinkled, and has stars engraved to his gold fronts. I imagine those stars glow warm and bright when his ship is nearing planet earth.
He always wearing the same exact outfit. Day in, day out, rain or shine, hot or cold, and consists of:
Black trenchcoat
Black brimmed hat
Ear muffs
Red scarf
Black pants
Dress shoes
I always expect him to smell like shit, but I never really notice any scent when we cross paths. Perhaps it is because Alien excrement doesn’t smell like what I know to be shit.
He sits on his milkcrate, head burrowed into his jacket, usually listening to some kind of gospel music on the radio. He watches everyone that passes (gathering information), and if you smile at him, he will say “ I love you” or “have a blessed day”. I assess that he has learned his English from the Gospel radio he listens to, and returns to his ship nightly to report on the workings of the city.
I saw him late after work one night, alone at the counter top of Little Petes, happily licking an ice cream cone. Another night, he was bellowing at a homeless woman on walnut street in a language I didn’t understand. Usually he is just sitting, and sitting, and sitting.
I assume he is an ALF, because if he were actually human; that would just be too weird.
turdicken
last night was the premiere episode of andrew zimmern's "bizarre foods" this time he went to beijing china. the highlight of the episode is when he went to a restaraunt that only serves animal dicks. he's normally very long winded and over emotional about what the food tastes like...but this time it was hilarious; he really enjoyed the yak dick.
dan invented a new food based on this restaraunt. a new take on an old favorite Turducken. Turducken is a holiday meat dish that is made by taking 4-5 different birds and deboning them and then stuffing them into the other birds consecutively by size. like SQUAB > CHICKEN > DUCK > TURKEY
Dan applied this same culinary technique to animal dicks of varying sizes and renaming the whole dish TURDICKEN.
dan invented a new food based on this restaraunt. a new take on an old favorite Turducken. Turducken is a holiday meat dish that is made by taking 4-5 different birds and deboning them and then stuffing them into the other birds consecutively by size. like SQUAB > CHICKEN > DUCK > TURKEY
Dan applied this same culinary technique to animal dicks of varying sizes and renaming the whole dish TURDICKEN.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Exploding Wallet
A funny thing happened at work this morning.
I came into the office early (stoned-already hilarious) and curt, the junior designer, had slept in the office because he essentially had to finish the work that I didn't do, while I enjoyed a long meal and a beer at the Good Dog the night before. The fire alarm went off 15m after i sat down to begin "working". Curt came groggy eyed from the editing rooms in back, where he had slept, and said he was going downstairs with the small crowd that had already gathered- glad for the excuse to be out of the office. I said "sure", because, apparently, it is my job to grant permission to save oneself from a fire, and he took the stairs because the elevator automatically locks when the alarm goes off. It's funny that I am so certain its not a fire, that I am willing to risk my life to get a head start on a job- for a client i hate.
Curt calls my cell phone from downstairs and says he wants to get a sandwich from grillmaster, forgot his wallet upstairs, and can't get back in the building to grab it. I ask if he wants me to throw it to him. He says "yes". I look down from the seventh floor window in my office, and try to find him. He isn't there, but calls a minute later because he had gone around the alley side of the building (avoiding the crowd in front). I run to the other side of the office and throw open the window to find him waiting. I can't believe he is going to let me do this, and quickly throw the heavy leather, before he can have second thoughts.
The wallet lands perfectly in curts hands, but somehow manages to explode outward into the extremely strong gust of wind that ride through the alley. I am immediately laughing harder than I ever have before, as curt aimlessly chases what looks like hundreds of pieces of confetti. Apparently, they were his movie ticket stubs from the past 6 years. I wish I could write exactly how that slow motion wallet fell and exploded into little colored pieces of my laughter.
I came into the office early (stoned-already hilarious) and curt, the junior designer, had slept in the office because he essentially had to finish the work that I didn't do, while I enjoyed a long meal and a beer at the Good Dog the night before. The fire alarm went off 15m after i sat down to begin "working". Curt came groggy eyed from the editing rooms in back, where he had slept, and said he was going downstairs with the small crowd that had already gathered- glad for the excuse to be out of the office. I said "sure", because, apparently, it is my job to grant permission to save oneself from a fire, and he took the stairs because the elevator automatically locks when the alarm goes off. It's funny that I am so certain its not a fire, that I am willing to risk my life to get a head start on a job- for a client i hate.
Curt calls my cell phone from downstairs and says he wants to get a sandwich from grillmaster, forgot his wallet upstairs, and can't get back in the building to grab it. I ask if he wants me to throw it to him. He says "yes". I look down from the seventh floor window in my office, and try to find him. He isn't there, but calls a minute later because he had gone around the alley side of the building (avoiding the crowd in front). I run to the other side of the office and throw open the window to find him waiting. I can't believe he is going to let me do this, and quickly throw the heavy leather, before he can have second thoughts.
The wallet lands perfectly in curts hands, but somehow manages to explode outward into the extremely strong gust of wind that ride through the alley. I am immediately laughing harder than I ever have before, as curt aimlessly chases what looks like hundreds of pieces of confetti. Apparently, they were his movie ticket stubs from the past 6 years. I wish I could write exactly how that slow motion wallet fell and exploded into little colored pieces of my laughter.
If Sparks is the Devil......
Then Liza and Sharon (note: names have been changed to protect the super cool image of the subjects of this story) are going to hell on fastest most supercharged train there ever was going straight down in a fiery blaze to the underworld!!!! But I digress…..our descent starts innocently enough with a gag gift bought for a lame-o hipster friend of ours named Sean A. (he doesn’t actually have a super cool image to protect so it’s ok to use his real name) and incidentally if you are wondering WHY we hang out with this hipster…well, its because we have big hearts AND cause he has an extra guitar for our Wii, so we can have epic guitar hero battles…..umm anyway, there happened to be two cans of Sparks left in our fridge from the aforementioned gag. So on our way out last night we thought..why not??? How bad can it be?? First I will tell you that it CAN, in fact, be VERY bad…quote from Liza “ewwww, this tastes like sick”…..it’s pretty much grossout in a can. BUT….3 sips into that thing and I was buzzing like the first time I had FunDip times 600. The following things may or may not have happened as a result of Sparks:
The running man
Krump dancing in the basement at a rock show
Waaay too much talk about V.D
A heartfelt sing-a-long to Kelly Clarkson’s “Breakaway” in the car (sike that happens all the time)
Shameless rapping along to “Juicy” at very loud decibels by white people (uhh..wait..that also happens all the time)
Annnnyway, it made me feel like jumping and clapping and doing high kicks. I don’t know if I hate it or love it. But in the end I am still sort of ashamed.
Viva la sparks….
http://groceryeats.com/
i'm really obsessed with this blog because i'm a big fattie.
and that is so disgusting.
i love it
i also like watching andrew zimmern "bizarre foods"
this weekend he ate rotted sharks flesh.
and slattur which is basically pig blood, oatmeal and other things boiled in a sack made of an animal's stomach and then eaten. it's like a big steamy blood cake.
i'm really obsessed with this blog because i'm a big fattie.
and that is so disgusting.
i love it
i also like watching andrew zimmern "bizarre foods"
this weekend he ate rotted sharks flesh.
and slattur which is basically pig blood, oatmeal and other things boiled in a sack made of an animal's stomach and then eaten. it's like a big steamy blood cake.
Monday, March 3, 2008
Day one!!!!
lets just get this out of the way...we are funny people...and we have lots of really important stuff to say. ...right now i can't think of even one thing...but believe me, it's relevant and will change your life.
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